where the fuck?

i know i know i know.

“it has been too long.” “you’ve missed me.” “life hasn’t been the same without me.” well, thanks for all carefully worded messages beseeching my return to the pen.

that was sarcasm. i know. i breathe it, exhale it. i am as unaware of it as much as i am oblivious to the rolling of my own eyes.

there was no onslaught of calls, crying out for a return; no impassioned pleas for me to impart more and more pearls of my brand of wilted wisdom, pompous poetry, misspent missives.

to answer, well, i’ve been here.

so much has happened, so much of it really not fit for this space, barely fit for the space inside my head. not all good. not all bad. not all important. not all mundane. but it has been mixed.

a lot of time spent away from this forum has been devoted to a deepening of skills to come back with an impdr that is bigger, better, brighter, more this, more that.

and as is my wont, the ever complicating sphere of expectation and desire gets in the way of the truth of what this should be. writing for writings sake.

so i am back. am i welcome? so much to tell you. so much i wish i could tell you too. so much you would not understand. so much you would think bad, and thats just the good half.

but here i stand, Saturday, 27 May 2006 at 18:46:35 hrs … confident for the first time in almost 12 months … confident at least of direction.

career slash existential crises have lingered for so long because i really did not want to have to make a choice on such career and existential crises.

choosing something … making a decision often feels like killing off other possibilities … and whether it be greed or guile or grief, i want those other possibilities too.

so i did not choose.

i stood still. mute. weak. blind. stuck. oncoming train.

and then i was forced to do two things at once. someone suggested a third. a fifth came to me in a moment of inspiration as i had been eking out possibilities for a fourth.

five things! five careers? five lives?


one life. no career. five things.

and more of me.