war is homo
“ i must have missed
     the memo … ”

… says the lovely james gallagher of this rather silly inscription on some dopey fella’s tee shirt…

and i say lovely, and mean lovely, in spite of his occasional lapses into that caricature of his good self: the self-styled “jaded caustic-acidic bitch” persona.

hmmm … anyways … i guess i rather missed that memo too …

war is homo

… nope, no idea what he means …

it’s as if it is a direct quote from an early manuscript of 1984 … the one that the publisher threw out the door, shouting in an indignant yet justified rage,

“ get back to your bloody typewriter george, and give me something that isn’t going to offend the homosexuals …

“ don’t you know, it’s 1948, and i sense the 1950s are going to be all about inclusion, equality, acceptance and tolerance, and we are never going to fight a single bloody war again. ”

not the world’s most visionary publisher, but his heart was in the right place.
sadly, he couldn’t have been more wrong††

but, back to our main story, viewers, if anyone can shed some light on the true source of the tee-shirt’s clever word play, please let me know

oh yes, and footnotes are obviously in order, as well as a humorous aside that strangely yet powerfully invokes a rather passionate political statement, mid-writing … they are indeed like orgasms, you can’t always (ever?) predict these things, but you don’t ignore them when they come …


†: #1: or, caustic-acidic bitch

i never quite understood “caustic-acidic bitch” to be a meaningful expression. think about it: caustic is synonymous with alkaline, and acidic, is, well, acidic.

a water soluble substance with ph less than 7
that reacts with and neutralizes an alkali.
a chemical substance with ph greater than 7
— also known as alkaline, caustic or base —
that reacts with and neutralizes an acid.

thanks to um, are they for real: how to clean anything dot com … ? … evidently they are …
… oh the fortunes lost in not choosing a career as cyber squatter … i wish i had had the foresight and registered how to wipe your bum dot com … but then again, chris castro probably would have beaten me to it …

so, do you remember year 8 chemistry?
you don’t, well i do, clear as a bell†††, and there is no time like now to brush up …

  • alkaline + acid → salt + h20

and as you would also remember, when alkalis (aka caustic, aka base) and acids react, they neutralise one another

and of course, the general word- and molecular-formula equation for neutralisation would be …

  • acid + alkali → salt + water
  • eg. hydrochloric acid + sodium hydroxide → sodium chloride + water
  • ie. hcl(aq) + naoh(aq) → nacl(aq) + h2o(l)

but the ionic equation for any neutralisation is

  • h+(aq)  + oh-(aq)   → h2o(l)

and, in this case, the remaining ions ie. na+(aq) and cl-(aq) become the salt crystals nacl(s) on evaporation of the water.

now, credit where credit is due, i did need to brush up on my chemistry syntax, nomenclature and substance taxonomies, and i did so courtesy of and thanks to google (of course) and by their wonderful “i am feeling lucky” button, doc brown’s chemistry clinic.

now, this doc brown might be clever, but in my opinion he runs the fugliest web site i have seen since fugly.cugly.butt.fucking.ugly.com

[go back]

††: #02, could he have been more wrong … ?

actually, he could have been much more wrong indeed.

it is a lesser known fact that the very same publisher’s grandson also found himself working in publishing, and wrote this very letter to an young and aspiring, but as yet unpublished writer.

january 3, 1977

dear miss rowling #,

thankyou for taking the time to submit your manuscript. whilst it is a well constructed tale, i doubt it has the resonance to appeal to a wide audience.

certainly some young men might find it exciting, but the subject matter is a little too specialised, and as we are a mass market publisher, we are really only interested in publishing books that would have a broader appeal.

some strong advice i gave recently to a young gentleman by the name of george lucas — an inspiring film director who you won’t have heard of, and sadly, never will.

the crazy fool arrived on my doorstep with some high-fallutin’ film script about spaceships, robots and rayguns! — the sod is gonna die sad, poor and pennliess with ideas like that …

and i will say to you what i said to him: might i suggest you avoid such topics as fantasy, science fiction, magic, wizardry and what-not, and stick with the concrete battles of good and evil in mankind, in war and in religion.

if you can combine all three of them with oil, huntin’, hamburgers, guns and apple pie,
heck even i’d read it …


george w. bush##

[names withheld to protect the (i-#) incredibly rich and (ii-##) terminally stupid]

interestingly enough, it was his last such dear-john, or dear-jk letter, and was shortly after relieved of duties. and less surprisingly, the same ex-publishing grandson of the ex-publisher has been a monumental stuffup at every other job he has had since.

[go back]

†††: #03, or, do i really remember most of the things i learnt in high school … ?

… yes. example: formula for the root of a binomial (quadratic) equation in the form:
y = ax2 + bx + c
x = -b ± √ b² -4ac

so, as you would imagine, this information tends to take up an inordinate amount of brainspace that could otherwise be filled with such things as:

  • remembering to call you back,
  • returning those dvds to the shop, and
  • remembering where i parked the car that day … yes that day.
(thankyou for being kind, aami. you could have been very very nasty indeed.)

[go back]

††††: #04, or, empirical evidence (at dance party) out of step with year 8 textbook

is it possible that sometimes acid + base does not neutralise, but rather increase the rate and intensity of the reaction? or is neutralisation a fundamental law of the universe?

because, honey, that weren’t happenin’ for me at 4am at the gay games vi black party … my memory of the night — or that week!††††† — is, as you would expect, a little jumbled, but i do remember, fuzzily, that in terms of neutralisation, i felt decidedly un-neutral that night. it was a war zone.

i fought the floor and the floor won.

[go back]

†††††: #05, or, there are other times of my life …
                    where the memories are not as … clear nor … forthcoming …

the interesting counter point to this is that i could not for the life of me tell you about the root of a binomial anything during the week of gay games vi in 2002.

all i do know is that in tthat week i committed myself to meet all three components of the games’ manifesto

  1. participation:
    in terms of gay games events, i cast a very wide umbrella over the types of things that are included in this mission statement component, as i kind of did everything, everywhere …

    and don’t really remember sleeping much that week.

    i had my own little gay games within a gay games, if you will … as did every other person in town … all 12 000 tourists plus tens of thousands of “hospitable” locals, all thrown together for a week …

    i mean, imagine this: a queue to get in to palms (los palmos) on a tuesday evening? no kidding. it was that busy.

  2. inclusion:
    there were very few disqualification criteria (eg. female, dead, leper), and these were relaxed in the interests of items 1. and 3. … except of course for the “female” one.
  3. personal best:

    oh yes.

    possibly not in terms of quality, but i was spread rather thin, but oh yes …

    *reminiscing* … *chuckle* … *blush* …

    quantity was a definite p.b.
    i won’t say how many, because mum might be reading this, but it was
    more than 1 and less than 100. (slightly).

    mmm … those were the days …

[go back]

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